The Highly Sensitive Person: A Book Review

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Have you ever read a self help book that made you say AHA! That’s it! Finally someone hears me! Well that is exactly my reaction to Elaine Aron’s “The Highly Sensitive Person“. I have never before felt so much like I was not alone.

After going through my entire life feeling as if I had to change who I was to fit in, she revealed to me there was a group of people who were all saying the same thing. We see the world a bit different than most. Often craving solitude over following the crowd, we don’t quite understand why the norm is the norm. And it is really easy for us to get lost in our own world. We are Highly Sensitive People. She assured me I was not broken- just different.

What is a Highly Sensitive Person?

A highly sensitive person, or an HSP for short, has an increased sensitivity to physical, emotional, and/or social stimuli. Overall an HSP just reaches their threshold for stimulation sooner than the average person.

While all people are sensitive about certain things, an HSP tends to feel things more than average. Often considered as being “too sensitive,” Dr. Elaine Aron, coined the term highly sensitive person to describe the sensitive personality trait. In her book she describes people with this trait as having with both strengths and challenges.

She names us as being a different class of people, the priestly advisors. We are the people who often can see things others do not. We pick up on more subtle cues of how people feel, potential consequences, and dangers. HSP’s would have been the ones chosen to advise kings in the past. And today can often be found in the roles of teachers, judges, and social workers.

While you cannot be diagnosed as being an HSP, understanding that your empathy and other sensitivities are just turned up a bit more than others can lead you to better ways of coping when it poses challenges in your day to day life.

Why Her Book Had a Profound Affect On Me

While I have been going through my “great awakening” of mid life, I began to question why I lacked so much confidence. I tried to pin point an event in my life where I might have lost my confidence. As I looked back, I discovered I was always “shy” and even as a baby I was very “needy”. So I was essentially born this way. So, if I was born this way did that mean there was something wrong with me that needed to be changed. Or was it time to just accept who I was and learn to live with it.

When I came across the book “The Highly Sensitive Person”, all the pieces fell into place. She explained I did not have to change who I was to fit into society. But rather it was up to me to allow myself to not try to fit in. We would never ignore a child’s need for comfort so why were we ignoring our calls for comfort. We push ourselves to endure stressful situations that everyone else seems to be able to handle. That leads to burn-outs and break downs, rather than taking the time to recover from them.

It’s Actually a Positive Thing

Rather than looking at all the “negative” aspects of being highly sensitive she showed me there was a lot to take pride in being a part of this minority. HSP’s are especially empathetic. We tend to be creative and out of the box thinkers. Our relationships tend to be deeper and more meaningful because we don’t waste our time with “small talk”. Because we have a robust inner life, we are okay being alone, not feeling lonely as easily as others. We pick up on social cues faster than others which can make it easier to avoid awkward social situations. And while others think we are weird for choosing a night in rather than one out on the town, we are satisfied with our simpler life.

If you are curious about whether you might be an HSP, take Dr. Aron’s, Highly Sensitive Person questionnaire to find out more.

Turning the Negative Into Positive

It is estimated that 20% of the population is highly sensitive. That means that society is built around the other 80% of less sensitive individuals. That explains why so much of “the norm” such as action movies, intense music, and crowded spaces bother highly sensitive people and not our friends and family. It is no wonder we feel like we don’t fit in, because we don’t. But is that actually a bad thing. Could you imagine what a world would be like if we were more sensitive as a whole? It would be a whole lot quieter, that’s for sure.

But, unfortunately, we are still the minority so how do we turn this into a positive thing. Well, by recognizing there is no reason to change for starters. Rather than gritting our teeth and bearing situations we would rather not, we need to give ourselves permission to listen to our bodies and our minds and do what we feel is best for us. This might mean something drastic like moving out of the city or changing careers. It might be simpler like taking regular social media breaks or not taking part in watching that scary movie everyone else chose. Not only do we need to allow this for ourselves, but we have to teach our family and friends that they do not have to feel guilty for taking part without us.

We Can’t Do It Alone

This is something that has come up often in my family. Because we never knew why I “couldn’t handle” some of the fun situations everyone else wanted to do there was often misunderstandings. I felt I had to go along with things and push my boundaries in order to “toughen up”. And, when it would inevitably become too much, everyone felt bad for “making me go along with it”. Or when I opted out, they felt guilty for carrying on. What they couldn’t understand (because I didn’t understand it myself) was it was okay with me to just “sit this one out.”

Now that I am armed with the knowledge that there is a reason for me to take care of myself and that others might not understand it, I can make better decision for my self care, which in turn will make everyone’s experience better. I am excited to put this practice into action on our upcoming vacation.

As I mentioned self care is especially important for HSP’s. Being able to recognize when you are becoming overwhelmed and knowing what actions to take to make you comfortable again is how you will be able to handle life as a highly sensitive person. If you are looking to learn some coping strategies, you can read more in this post.

Should You Read The Highly Sensitive Person?

If you think you might be a highly sensitive person or know someone who is, “The Highly Sensitive Person” is a definitely a worthwhile read. Even if you do not think you know an HSP, reading this book might give you some insight on how a portion of the population operates which is always good to know. I don’t think it is any surprise that I highly recommend this book. It was life changing for me in a way I never knew a book could be.