It is sad but true. We have to train ourselves to default to positive self talk rather than criticizing ourselves every chance we get.
“You have been criticizing yourself for years, and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.” – Louise L. Hay
Positive Self Talk
This quote speaks to where I am in my life right now. At almost 40, I am beginning to approve of myself for the first time. Negative self talk was always the default voice in my head. Even when I did a great job at something, but it wasn’t quite perfect in my mind, I focused on the little imperfections and often saw it as a failure rather than for what it really was, something to be proud of. When I look back I can see how much I missed in my life by being hyper-critical. I am vowing to not let this next season of my life to be ruled by negativity. I am training myself to default to positive self talk and you can too.
What is Positive Self Talk
Self-talk is that inner voice that automatically responds to everything you do. This voice is defaults to whatever beliefs that we have about ourselves. And often what how we think things “should” be. I put “should” in quotation marks because this is the key. Your self-talk tells you how it thinks you measure up when compared to past experiences, societal norms, and expectations. Self-talk is all about comparison and we all know comparison is the thief of joy. So when your subconscious is constantly comparing yourself to anything and coming to the conclusion you do not measure up, how can you learn to be positive?
How to Retrain Yourself to Default to Positive Self Talk
Journaling
Journaling helps you confront that negative voice in your head. There is something about putting your thoughts on paper that makes you question whether they are valid or not. I cannot tell you how many times my journal entries began full of self doubt and criticisms only to end with confidence and a firm belief that I could get through whatever problem I was having at the time. Learn how to start your own journal practice in this post.
The act of journaling is like a conversation with your subconscious. Without journaling, your subconscious has free reign of your thoughts. Your cognitive mind is often does not speak up for itself. By writing, you are forcing your subconscious to sit down and listen. With time, you might just teach it some new positive ideas.
Affirmations
Practicing positive affirmations is a great way to retrain your brain to default to positive self talk. To practice this, list some affirmations you would like to remind yourself of and read them (out loud or to yourself) regularly. If you want to go one step further, look in the mirror as you recite the affirmations.
Some affirmations you might want to remind yourself of include:
I trust my instincts.
I am capable of accomplishing whatever I put my mind to doing.
I am beautiful and I will not pretend to think otherwise.
I am intelligent.
I am confident and will not hide who I am.
This is my life, and I am the only one who needs to understand my choices.
I don’t limit myself because of the limited minds of others.
Compassion
Whenever I catch myself criticizing myself, I ask myself would I treat someone else this way? The answer is almost always no. I tend to have so much more compassion for others (even strangers) than I have for myself. For example, when I am driving with other people and I miss a turn, my old self would start beating myself up. I would resort to apologizing over and over. Perhaps find an excuse for why I missed it so I could shift “blame”. But, would I “blame” someone else for missing the turn? Would I expect them apologize to me for having to go around the block? NO! Of course not!
Celebrate Your “Small” Wins
We often do not think the small goals we hit are worth celebrating. For example, let’s say you have a goal to lose 20 pounds. You lose your first pound and all you can focus on is the 19 you still need to lose. Focusing on what you haven’t yet achieved rather than what you did achieve robs you of the opportunity to enforce some positive self talk. But if you flip it and celebrate your one pound lost by telling yourself you are proud of yourself retrains your brain to look to the positive. Celebrating these wins often can give you the confidence to keep working toward your bigger goals.
Turning the Negative Into Positive
It takes practice but once you start recognizing your negative self talk and stopping it, you can start retraining your subconscious to be more positive (or at least neutral). Remember your subconscious is not unbiased. It has been trained to think that way and you have the ability to teach it how you want to be treated. You are worthy of being treated with kindness and compassion by others and yourself. So give yourself the opportunity to learn how to retrain your brain for positive self talk.
