Tell me if this sounds like you. You are a caretaker. You put everyone’s needs before your own. Your first thought in the morning is your to do list (and your needs rarely make that list). You wish there was enough time in the day to actually live your life the way you want. You don’t feel as if you are the main character in your life, you are the sidekick, the behind the scenes facilitator, the one that is easily overlooked (until you are not there). Are you ready to get some of your Main Character Energy back?
When I first heard this term “Main Character Energy” I was like “That’s it! That’s exactly what I am missing.” As a wife and mother (and on-call employee), I have to be constantly ready to drop what I am doing to tend to others’ needs. I have little control of my life which makes sticking to a routine (something I strive on) very difficult. Over time, I got used to ignoring my needs and wants. But, when I hit a low point in my life, I promised myself I would start caring for myself and learn what it is like to be the main character in my life.
How to Become the Main Character In Your Life
Stop Looking for External Validation
Let’s start with the toughest tip, shall we? We live in world of comparison. Television, social media, mommy groups, bloggers – we are inundated with information and not all of it is helpful. We tend to divide ourselves into “camps” and work tirelessly to be the perfect “camp-member” possible. Often times, we let the “should” lead our life without questioning if it is right for us or not.
If you want to let go of looking for external validation you need to begin to trust your own intuition. You need to have the faith in yourself that you can make the right decisions for you and be comfortable with committing to what your idea of success looks like. Remind yourself that your life is meant to look different to the next person and as long as you are happy that is all that matters.
If you want to read more about this, Brene Brown has written an amazing book on this topic called “Braving the Wilderness.” In it she talks about belonging to ourselves rather than seeking out belonging from other people. Reading it gave me a great number of “Aha!” moments for me.
Be Your Most Authentic Self
How do you see yourself? If you were to strip all your labels away, what would be left? For me that was a hard question. My identity was “Mom”. I had no idea who “Ashley” was anymore. I didn’t know what music I liked, hadn’t watched a favorite movie in forever, and couldn’t even tell you what my favorite food was. “Whatever you want” was my go to response when asked what I wanted. Every. Single. Time.
Why was that? For me, a lot of it stems from fear of judgement. I don’t want to make my husband sit through an Audrey Hepburn movie knowing he is going to hate it. I would much rather sacrifice my choice and quietly sit through yet another Marvel flick. But the result is I never get what I wanted. Of course, it goes deeper than what movie we watch on a Friday night. If we stop expressing what we like even on this kind of a superficial level, imagine how easy it will be to keep our deepest dreams, wants, and opinions under the surface.
If you are like me, it is not easy to step out of your shell and let your authenticity show through. I think it has to happen in small steps. For me, I started to choose the movie or playlist rather than defaulting to others all the time. I bought the yellow shirt even though it wasn’t the safest choice. I began to do things others would not expect of me like attend a wellness retreat on my own. Every little thing you do for you, unapologetically, is a crack in the armor that hides your authentic self from the world.
Stop People Pleasing
Along the same lines of being authentic, you have to stop being afraid to disappoint people. You matter too. Your wants, your needs, and your goals matter. I don’t know who out there needs to hear it but “you deserve your love!”
When we put aside our self care for the care of others too often we harden our hearts. I can speak from experience. My “always dependable, never disappointing, quick to please” identity led me to becoming an “anxiety-filled, resentful, unable to function” shell of a person. Had I been focusing on caring for myself as well, I would have been able to recognize just how much of what I was feeling stemmed from trying to be everything to everybody. It wasn’t until my health forced me to stop what I was doing that I realized people pleasing (and perfectionism) was the root cause of my break down.
It is really difficult to say no. Believe me, I know. Every time I have to say no, I get butterflies. But it is important to start to recognize when people-pleasing goes from “caring for others” to “being uncaring to yourself.” Don’t look for permission to care for yourself. You do not have to earn rest. You do not have to finish your to do list before you take a shower. And please, do not stay up late or skip your meals in the name of getting more done. Begin to treat yourself as if you would your kids or someone else you love.
Let Go Of (and Forgive) Unsupportive People
I wish I did not have advice on this but I have had people in my life who would take advantage of my people-pleasing nature. And, when I started to prioritize myself, they turned on me. It took me many years to come to the realization that they did not want me to be my authentic self. They did not want me to play a main character role in my life because they saw me as a supporting role in theirs. I had to come to the decision to let go of their hold on my life by first removing myself and then forgiving them.
If you want to be the main character in your life you can’t surround yourself with people who do not want you to grow as a person. If you being you is not good enough for them, then it is time to free yourself from them. Not only should you not be around them but you can’t devote precious inner energy to them either. This is where forgiveness comes in. You need to let go of wishing they were more supportive and just move on. I wasted a lot of energy on wishing things could have been different in that relationship but it wasn’t until I let go that I got closure for myself.
Find What Makes You Happy
Now that we have started to break down some barriers to your authentic self and nurture your main character energy, it is time to find out what you want in life. Experiment with different hobbies. Listen to different genres of music. Read as many books as you can. You get the idea. Find what you like and then dive deeper. Forget about what is “cool” or “trending”. Don’t worry about what others will think. It is time to find out what you think.
Approach your life like being a kid again. Stop to admire the snowflakes. Appreciate the sounds of nature. Make a game out of doing routine tasks. Dance in the kitchen. Eat breakfast for dinner. Let yourself get excited about the things we often overlook as we get older.
Have you ever told yourself you couldn’t do something because you are too old for it? Is that the case or are you actually afraid to trying? Afraid of being judged? What if you did it anyway? What would happen? Can you have an open mind? Take a risk?
The irony is when we were kids we couldn’t wait to be adults to “finally live our life” but once we became adults we stopped living with the same kind of “do what makes us happy” attitude. I think we need to bring some of that back into adulthood. Try to find a bit of happiness in everyday.
Becoming the Main Character
A lot of what I have discussed is easier said than done. It takes work. You won’t be able to just wake up one day and be your authentic self. A great way to get in the habit of reminding yourself of who you are is to start journaling. Find some time in your day where you can reflect on who you are, what you want, what you are grateful for. Over time, these daily reminders will be the building blocks to creating the life you are dreaming of right now. Even creating a 5 minute habit is enough of an investment to put you back in control and become the main character in your life.
If you are ready, to start a journaling habit, you can read more about it in this post.
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