This post comes with a warning:
This post is a rant about expectations surrounding the roles of husband and wife in particular the role of a housewife. It might be polarizing. Some of you may agree with my point of view and others may not. Either way, there is no judgement on my end. I can assure you I solely believe everyone should be allowed to live their lives as they feel comfortable. But it is when one half of a partnership is no longer comfortable that something has to be said.
Discovering Who I Am Beyond a Housewife
This year has been a year of discovering who I am. I was defined by my role as wife and mother for so long that I lost sight of who I am as a person. At the end of 2023, when all the balls of everyone else’s life became too much to handle, I made the decision to start peeling back the layers of my identity to find my true self. And that meant some changes around the house.
Much to the surprise (and to some dismay) of my family.
A New House Rule
It is summer here and the kids are off of school. I have 2 teenage daughters and my house is full of their friends every chance they get. In an effort to get back some of my time, I have instituted a new rule. Everyone is responsible to wash their own dish after they use it. No more dishes piling up. And, if the kids are delinquent in bringing dishes down from their room, they will have to stand at the sink to wash them all. I rather like this rule. Too many times did I spend time cleaning the kitchen just to turn around and see the kids brought down a week’s worth of stuck-on (and sometimes moldy!) dishes from their room, only for me to have to start the process all over again.
Who’s Job is it Anyway?
My husband liked the rule too. That is until he realized it applied to him as well.
His response when I asked him to wash his plate, “I work all day and you can’t just wash my dinner plate?” I get it. It is nothing much for me to wash his plate and nothing much for me to multiply that by 6 either. But why should it be that way. I work all day too – albeit at home – but none the less I am on the computer and tending to the house and kids from early morning to the moment he walks in the door at 7pm most days. There is very little difference in amount of hours each of us work at our “jobs”. The difference between his job and mine is he is paid for every hour he works while I can put hours into something only to reap the benefits weeks, months, or years down the line.
Things came to a head last night when he stated I was finding ways to neglect my job as a housewife for a job I “choose to be busy at”. Yikes. That was too far. So much for his support of my evolution. As much as that comment stung, it did lead me to the question “What is the traditional role of a housewife and how much has it changed over time?” So that brings me to what I want to talk about today.
What is a Housewife?
My “housewife” duties have consisted of: 80% of the cleaning (the kids look after their own rooms), most of the cooking (my husband does fry eggs because as much as I try I always end up breaking the yolks), the majority of the child care/driving the kids around, 100% of the budgeting, bill paying, taxes, and general paperwork and planning/organizing of life, and 50% of the house maintenance. Now, I can add building a business full time to this list.
His duties: his job, taking out the trash, 100% of the car maintenance (except, of course, cleaning it) and 50% of the house maintenance.
If you ask me, it looks a little unbalanced.
Everything was all well and good before I started working. I did manage to fit in homeschooling the kids to that list, too. It was a full time job managing our house and the kids and that was okay with me.
But, things didn’t really change even when I was working outside of the house last year. As I got busy, I began dropping the ball on a few things (no more homemade bread). I allowed things to pile up on my to do list and didn’t ask for help. Guilt and resentment built up inside of me. I feel pulled between wanting to work and needing to stay at home to get all the things done I am supposed to do as a good wife and mother.
And, it wasn’t until last night that I knew for sure that resentment had built up inside of him as well. He is resentful of the fact I am “choosing” to no longer be a housewife.
One thing has become abundantly clear. We are in desperate need of finding a new balance. And therapy.
From Traditional Housewife to Superhuman
Then, this morning, I looked up what a “traditional housewife” would be expected to do.
And, what I learned was, I have unknowingly taken on a bunch of the “husband” roles. No wonder I cannot flawlessly carry on about my duties like I thought I should be, they aren’t all mine.
If this were 1950 I would not be responsible for the budgeting, bill paying or paperwork. In Canada, wives weren’t even allowed to open their own bank account without their husbands permission until the mid-60’s. Nor would I have been expected to help build the house I am sitting in right now. And I certainly would not be running my own business. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate I am given the choice to do all these things. A choice not given to previous generations and hard fought for by others.
But there is a difference between choice and expectation.
Somewhere along the line expectations shifted. It is expected we still go about performing all our duties flawlessly even as the number of responsibilities increased. We are expected to hold down a full time job and raise our kids and tend to our house as if our days consist of 48 hours rather than 24. And, when we don’t measure up to this impossible ideal, we ultimately feel less than. Stay at home moms feel they have to justify not working and working moms feel they have to justify not staying at home. Both feeling equally inadequate when compared to the other.
I don’t know if it in the name of gaining equality that we accepted the expectation we should be able to take on more without balance? Are we too afraid to ask for help as we are expected to juggle yet another ball? We gained some equality of power and the right to a say in our finances but there is still inequality when it comes to the division of labor, at least in my home anyway. And now, when we question our role, are we doing a disservice to the feminists before us?
I Can’t Do it All
For me, I can’t do it all. It has taken me a long time to admit it. I have gone through a few burn-outs as proof. I need balance and I need help. If I am going to take on 50% of the financial burden in our family, there has to be a more equitable way of dividing up the responsibilities of a home and family. And I need to stop feeling guilt or shame for not being able to do everything at once. I am not superhuman and it is about time I stop pretending I was.
And it is time people stop expecting that from us.
So now, the question has to be asked, does my husband really want to pull at that thread? Does he want me to be a “housewife” or to be a partner? Because, the way I see it, he still has it pretty good. Even if he has to wash his dinner plate.
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