Its time to defeat perfectionism and stand up to the bully we created.

“And now that you don’t have to be perfect, you can be good.”
John Steinbeck

Perfectionism

Don’t ask me why so many of us struggle with perfectionism. Somewhere along the way we were brainwashed into believing there was some invisible threshold we had to meet. And, if we failed to meet it, that meant we failed completely. To make things even more confusing, it was often our own standards we weren’t meeting. It was all pressure we were putting on ourselves.

If you are nodding your head, I am right there with you. All my life, I put pressure on myself to be perfect. I needed to get the best grades, get into the best university, raise the sweetest children, and keep the cleanest house. I always knew it was pressure I was putting on myself but I didn’t know how to let it go. Often, I went through an extreme perfectionism cycle only to end up burnt out or broken down. I would end up in therapy and be given advice on how to accept myself where I was but it would never last long. I thought my relationship with perfectionism was here to stay.

A New Outlook

Something seems to have clicked this year.

It might have been due to the process of building our own house, when no matter how perfectly I planned, a lot of the process was out of my control. When I tried to go right, everything else went left. A breakdown later, and I truly know what it feels like to “give it to God” as they say. I have stopped trying to manipulate and control every last detail. Instead I am letting the chips fall as they may and having faith things will work out in the end.

Perhaps, too, it has been all the inner work I have been doing as well. I have been journaling A LOT. Dissecting past and current events. I have been learning to handle stress and daily life without looking to alcohol. I have been reading lots of self help books and attending therapy regularly. And, I have even answered some long time questions about why I am the way I am, having discovered I am likely just a highly sensitive person (and there is nothing wrong with that.)

Beyond Perfectionism

So, where does that leave me and my relationship with the annoying perfectionist on my shoulder?

Well, for starters, I have a new laid back friend on the other shoulder. This one speaks louder to me now. She reminds me that I am important and my self care is important. When my perfectionist bully starts picking on me, she is quick to remind me that no one else cares how perfect my house is and if they do, they have their own issues they need to work through. Yes, the bully still gets to me from time to time but now it is two against one so I am quicker to get up off the floor than before.

Tips to Stand Up to Your Perfectionism Bully

Journal it out. Have a full on argument with your perfectionist voice. Voice both sides of the argument and see who comes out on top. The result might surprise you.
Just say no. Be honest with yourself. Do YOU care if the laundry is folded right out of the dryer or would you rather take a bath right now?
Self care is non-negotiable. When did we allow ourselves to forget we mattered enough to take care of our basic needs? How many times have you crashed on the sofa at the end of the day too tired to even take a shower? Was whatever you did that day worth it? (It might have been, perhaps you are tired from crushing your goals or having the best day ever at Disney World but if it was in the name of being perfect for the sake of being perfect then maybe not so much).
Make a new Bucket List. How many things are on your bucket list that you truly want for yourself and how many are on the list because you think they should be? Yeah, Disney World is great and all but if your idea of fun is not standing in a line full of sweaty strangers, you have to ask yourself why is it on my bucket list. (Disclaimer: I am a Disney person, and currently planning a trip, but I have to admit it is really easy for the perfectionism monster to come out and more often than not it ends up being stressful more than “the best day ever”. Fingers crossed my new mindset will bring about a new experience this time.)
Follow the 80/20 rule in life. I am going to warn you it takes practice. Look at your to do list – lets say there are 10 items on your list. Scratch off 2 items (20%) – you aren’t doing those today (maybe not tomorrow, maybe not ever). Now obviously if you have to do those items to keep your job. keep your house, or survive, don’t cross them off the list. But if when you look at that list and you can say those items don’t really matter in the long run get rid of them. Now with the time saved do something unproductive. Just for fun. Just because you want to. How does that feel? Is your perfectionist voice screaming? Is she giving Wicked Witch of the West “I’m melting” Vibes? Your goal is that over time her voice will get quieter and your self care superhero (or I guess Dorothy, if I am going to stick with my theming) will win in the end.

It Is Going To Take Practice

Alas, there is no quick fix when it comes to beating perfectionism. Even my hero, Brene Brown, has said she still battles it and she has made a whole career based on defeating perfectionism. So it is like any skill, it will take practice. When you start trying to defeat perfectionism, you will fall down often. But, it will weaken over time and you will get stronger with time when you start seeing all the benefits of self care. So, I am going to leave you with one more question. Is there something you would rather be doing right now than reading this article? Not something you should be doing but something you want to be doing? Go do it, now.